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If Playboy Mansion is built in Asia
Eek! Lock up your husbands
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E
ek! Lock up your husbands. Developers hope to build an Asian version of the Playboy Mansion in Macau, according to a newspaper last week. The report promoted a reader to ask: “If it’s true that we go to a better place when we die, where will Hugh Hefner end up?”
Wow, tough question. Playboy boss Hefner shares a house in Los Angeles with a production line of bikini models, many of which have pneumatically inflated breasts and amazing matching air-filled heads. So where would qualify as a “better place” for him? Hmm.
An Australian friend had an instant answer. “Just off Second Road in Pattaya, opposite Mike’s Shopping Mall, is Bob’s BBQ, home of Asia’s biggest burger. That’s the best spot on earth.” A South Asian friend sitting nearby sneered at this advice. “No way. I’d nominate CGWH Highway in Sri Lanka, the road to Unawatanua beach.”
A third participant nominated the island of Kauai, Hawaii, which offers beach life plus burgers so large that a fast food server once said to him: “Would you like a defibrillator with that, sir?”
I was trying to choose between the three when a serious-minded eavesdropper interrupted. “You’re on the wrong track,” she said. “Surely this is a theological question. Is there anything in the Bible that says ‘Hugh Hefner shalt go unto a BBQ place near Mike’s Shopping Mall when he dieth’?” I told her that that sentence appeared in 35th chapter of Deuteronomy, but I think she suspected I was bluffing.
My mentor/ bartender was of the opinion that the question was neither literal nor religious. “It’s a joke, pointing out that Hefner cannot go to heaven because he is already there.” This rang true. But it also rang a warning bell in my head. I once met Hugh’s daughter Christie, and did research on that family — and they didn’t seem happy at all. Perhaps Playboy Mansion is not heaven at all.
The bartender nodded. “Hefner may be surrounded by young women in bikinis, but if he is unable to have relationships with depth or endurance, he’s the loneliest man in the world.”
The whole Multiple Women Thing, as many Malaysian guys have discovered, is not what it seems. My father had more wives than the generally recommended maximum of one at a time. One of his friends, in a similar situation, said having multiple wives was “like serving several prison sentences concurrently”.
I feel a list coming on! So here are the five worst things about being a polygamist. 1. When one wife has got over her pre-menstrual tension, the next one is just beginning. 2. After the 15th baby and the 1,956thth sleepless night, the magic of being a new dad wears off. 3. Polygamists have multiple mothers-in-law. 4. You get phone calls from your secretary saying: “Sir, your wives are on lines two, three, four and five.” 5. Valentine’s day will bankrupt you.
Our serious friend above suggested that the Playboy founder would not end up in a better place at all. “Surely Hugh Hefner will end up in hell,” she said.
The bartender was philosophical. “I don’t think he realizes it, but he’s probably already there.” Now that’s deep.
The writer is a columnist and journalist.
