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Eight ways to be a tiger mom
Asian kid living in London enters home
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A
sian kid living in London enters home. His school friends shout: “Happy birthday! Surprise!” The kid continues on his way to his room, saying: “I have homework. Enjoy the party. I may join you later.”
That’s a true story. That kid was me. I wasn’t being obnoxious. Asian kids are rigidly conditioned to a) study; b) have bad haircuts; c) like maths; and d) eat foods that other kids find disgusting like dried squid or sliced, char-grilled dissident. My upbringing did me no harm at all, except to turn me into the drooling, unstable, gun-polishing, stairwell-lurker that I am today.
These days I live in Asia and half the moms I know are Tiger Moms (a term popularized by US monster-mom Amy Chua), while others take a kinder, gentler stance. Let’s compare them.
1) What do you ask when you meet your child’s teacher? Nice Mom: “Is my daughter happy?” Tiger Mom: “Is my daughter top of the class?”
2) What do you say when your child brings home a finger-painting? Nice Mom: “Lovely! This blob looks like a cloud and this one looks like a rabbit.” Tiger Mom: “Eww! Horrible! This looks like a child painted it.” Nice Mom to teacher: “She loves art. Can you cultivate those skills?” Tiger Mom to teacher: “She loves art. Can you beat that out of her? Here’s a stick.”
3) What guidance do you give the child about life? Nice Mom: “Eat your vegetables and grow up big and strong.” Tiger Mom: “You must try try try to succeed. Even then you’ll probably fail. Life is hard.”
4) How do you handle work-life balance? Nice Mom: “After your homework, we’ll go to the playground.” Tiger Mom: “Work work work. Even then you probably fail. Life is HARD.”
5) How do you help her chose a career? Nice Mom: “So, sweetheart, do you still want to be a dancer or a singer or a princess?” Tiger Mom: “You can choose from this list: doctor, medical practitioner, surgeon or physician.” Nice Mom: “What’s important is to do what you love.” Tiger Mom: “You gotta earn a lot of money so you can look after me when I’m old. Life is hard.”
6) How would you help your child learn a poem? Nice Mom: “Let’s make up a funny limerick.” Tiger Mom: “If you have to memorize something, here’s the Periodic Table.”
7) What do you say to her father? Nice Mom: “Good news, she’s making friends.” Tiger Mom: “Bad news, she’s making friends.”
8) What do you say at the parent-teacher conference? Nice Mom: “We want her gently stretched without being intimidated.” Tiger Mom: “Can you guarantee she’ll get straight As? Before you answer, I want you to know that I have a gun and it’s loaded.”
Which do I recommend? Neither. I’m a guy. Men play no part in this decision. Amy Chua lives in the west with a Caucasian husband but her kids are raised Asian-style. Your humble narrator lives in Asia with a Caucasian wife, but our kids are raised Western-style.
You see, moms may come in two flavors. But female spouses only come in one flavor: tiger wives.When it comes to family decisions, women rule.
The writer is a columnist and journalist.
