I

t was a rainy Sunday afternoon on May 24, 1998, in an auditorium in Jakarta. About 100 people, many of them Indonesians of Chinese descent, were enthusiastic when the moderator introduced me as a distinguished journalist who frequently got insider news scoops from first-hand sources, including former president Soeharto himself.

'€œOur speaker has covered the activities of Pak Harto for more than 12 years. He was also close to many generals and the President'€™s top aides. We have a golden opportunity to get first-hand information from him on what happened before Pak Harto'€™s resignation on May 21, three days ago,'€ said the moderator.

'€œHe has extensive knowledge on the riots, rapes and sexual assaults that were experienced by our daughters, and he knows about the immolations of thousands in Jakarta. Now is your time to talk, Pak,'€ the moderator concluded.

I felt very flattered and smiled to the audience. They assumed I knew a great deal about the masterminds of the rape and butchering campaign against innocent people.

I nodded my head to the previous speaker, who insisted that the security apparatus and their commanders should be held responsible for the sexual assaults on Chinese women, the widespread burning and looting of shops, malls and shopping centers and the immolation of thousands of the so-called looters.

First, I shared my experience about traveling with Soeharto to Cairo to attend a multilateral summit, just days before the anti-riot troops allegedly opened fire on Trisakti students in Grogol, West Jakarta, on May 12.

The next day, riots erupted in Jakarta and other cities. Despite the chaos and violence, Soeharto was still confident that he still could continue his 32-year dictatorship, albeit with a few political concessions.

 '€œI apologize for telling you the truth. To be honest, I must say that the rape stories were exaggerated. According to my very reliable sources, there were very few victims, and the perpetrators were hoodlums. The military and police did their best to protect all the citizens and their property. Our soldiers were all professionals,'€ I said.

'€œI am also saddened by the tragic deaths of people who were burned to death in several shopping centers, including the Yogya Plaza near my house. But again, I should tell you the truth that many of them were looters. They were not victims of the evil deeds of certain people who intentionally burned them. They were victims of their own greed,'€ I continued.

The audience tried to remain calm, although they were clearly shocked by my statements.

After finishing my remark, an elderly man approached me. '€œIt is not baseless Pak. I know it well, because it happened to my own daughter,'€ he told me with tears in his eyes, without explaining what happened to his daughter.

A middle-aged woman also came to me. '€œWhat happened at the Yogya Mall is not what you said happened there, Pak. I was there at that time. And many of my neighbors were victims. They were trapped there,'€ the woman said, while trying to control her emotions.

When I arrived home, some family friends were waiting for me. My wife invited them for a special prayer. '€œWe should thank God for saving the life of our [second] son Toro. He nearly lost his life because there was a group of men who lured him and his friends into getting free shoes and TV sets in the Yogya Mall. But our neighbors stopped Toro from going,'€ my wife explained.

After our return from Cairo, I spent most of my time at the State Secretariat and Soeharto'€™s residence at Jl. Cendana, Central Jakarta. My office asked me to concentrate my coverage on Soeharto and his Cabinet. Practically, I was isolated from the outside world, and the information I got was very one sided. Perhaps I also had been brainwashed by Soeharto'€™s military guards and generals.

After the prayer I received a telephone call. I heard a young girl crying on the phone. '€œI can bring you to the victims of the rapes Pak if you want to know the truth. My mom said you blamed the victims in the meeting,'€ she said, and I was speechless.

Later I realized I was totally wrong. Thousands of innocent people were victims of the riots, and so many young Indonesians were assaulted or raped simply because of their ethnicity. Until now these cases remain.

Almost every day I pass the mall. It is now named Klender Mall. And until this day, I am haunted by my unforgivable judgment. I was an idiot.

'€” Kornelius Purba