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hat columnist guy is back. A huge number of readers (three) asked me what I did on my holiday. So I have decided to record the details here for convenient distribution to ALL of humanity, plus selected semi-intelligent life forms such as dolphins, chimpanzees and Fox News viewers.

I spent the first day filing away all my half-written books and articles into different boxes labeled with my various pen names, “JK Rowling”, “Stephanie Meyer”, “James Patterson”, etc.

Then I jetted to Wales for a catch-up latte with Prince William’s new bride Kate. I told her that she’d been smart to move from actress to princess: “I mean I TOTALLY loved you in Titanic, but movies are a sunset industry. The hot new trends of the future are the monarchy, the phonogram, hardback books and C90 cassette tapes.”

She said Titanic was a different Kate (what a joker!) and asked me to stay over, but I have an aversion for the whole treason/ decapitation thing. It’s just not me. Besides, I’d promised to fly to Washington DC to help US President Barack Obama prepare for his summit with China’s President Hu Jintao. At a bar near the White House, I told him to chill. “Bazzer, you’ll be fine as long as you smile a lot and make sure you follow eastern traditions, such as pausing in the doorway to take your shoes off and throw them at your host.” He wrote it down gratefully.

I then popped in to the head office of the World Association of Newspapers, where everyone was STILL worrying about the internet and stuff. “Guys, guys, GUYS,” I said. “Mark my words. Computers are a fad. This time next year they’ll be gone.” Overcome with joy, they wept at my feet, their salt tears badly staining my Zegna pants.

Arriving back in Asia, I needed downtime, so I invented a new extreme sport. This involved throwing myself out of a jet at 3,000 meters and using my jacket as a paraglider to land on a skyscraper. An hour later, film director Christopher Nolan called to ask whether he could put the stunt into Inception 2. “Of course,” I said. “I’ll write the screenplay if you like. But you can put your own name on it, like last time.”

The rest of the summer was filled with rather mundane activities. I cleaned the apartment and freed a few Arab countries from their dictators. You may have read about that.

Meanwhile, my mate Ben (Bernanke) was looking for a kickstarter to refloat the world economy, so I told him I’d write Harry Potter 7, part 3.

By this time, I was missing work, so I headed to my office, arriving just in time to see a security van delivering a million dollars in cash from this newspaper. I’d forgotten it was payday. The security team drove back to the vaults to get the rest.

Logging onto my computer, I found an email from a young man named Chris wanting to know what the requirements were for starting a career as a writer. “You only need one thing,” I wrote back. “But you need a LOT of it: imagination.”

The writer is a columnist and journalist.