When it comes to celebrating its anniversary, Jakarta has it all. Food, festivals, discounts -- you name it.

Considering going to the Jakarta Fair to see the city's iconic ondel-ondel (giant effigies)? Ahhh... forget about it. They're ugly and hideous.

Why not sit, relax and watch TV? The Abang-None (Mister and Miss) Jakarta pageant might provide some light entertainment for the viewing audience.

And unlike ondel-ondel, abang and none are actually good-looking.

As an added bonus, their display of wit is sometimes entertaining too.

I've been watching Abang-None contestants on TV -- both live and on repeat shows -- for the past six years.

Their answers to the judges' questions always make me laugh.

Let me take this opportunity to share some Abang-None comedy sketches with you.

A none was recently asked about her view of Jakarta as a megapolis. All smiles, she replied: "Jakarta as a megapolis is a well-coordinated development, of which Jakarta is the center of the development."

Confused, I was like, "Wait... wait, could anyone rewind that?"

My mom, who was sharing the couch with me, said, "Oh dear... even the door-to-door grocery vendor in our housing complex could provide a better answer."

Another entertaining sketch: A none stood there, looking pretty, trying to answer how to preserve Betawi (indigenous Jakartan) cultural heritage.

"We should always wear traditional Betawi costumes to preserve cultural heritage."

None, please. Seriously. Who would wear traditional costumes these days?

Nearly breathless, my mom said, "As a parent, I would be truly ashamed if one of those girls were you."

She wondered how finalists who had beaten out thousands of other hopefuls could give such answers.

I still can't believe those 18 pairs of abang and none were selected.

Adding insult to injury, the city administration allocates Rp 4 billion (US$425,000) every year just for Abang-None.

This year, the allocation survived despite budget revisions brought on by the recent increase in fuel prices.

Three programs for education, on the other hand, were eliminated from the city's budget: a Rp 7.5 billion drop-out prevention program; a Rp 7.5 billion compulsory education program; and a scholarship program for 5,000 students amounting to Rp 6 billion.

Apparently, the city administration and council consider the Abang-None pageant -- also dubbed the tourism ambassador program -- more important than education programs that could benefit thousands of students.

One might argue the pageant is an investment in tourism in Jakarta.

But does anyone see Abang-None increasing the number of tourist arrivals? Do you see Abang and None at the forefront of "Enjoy Jakarta"?

The event's cost just doesn't match its result, I insist.

Plus, I've received some insider info to justify my sentiment.

My good-looking cousin won the Abang title five years ago. His victory took him overseas. At first, he was excited about everything that came with the winning, but this gave way to disappointment.

"All I did was smile and follow government officials around. At many events, I just stood with the None beside me, like a couple of ondel-ondel."

My cousin also joined a carnival and sat in a horse-drawn carriage, waving his hand at the crowd.

Two years ago, a senior at my university -- who was one of the finalists -- tried to sell me on the event.

"It's not that hard to win. At least you'd get to the final round", she said.

I laughed and replied, "I don't know anything about Betawi culture."

"No worries! You'll get a handbook on Jakarta. All you have to do is read and memorize it. The judges' questions will be based on it."

Okay, (on this point), I truly lost my respect for the event.

On another occasion, a former finalist I knew said, "You should register in North Jakarta. It's KKN-free there!" KKN stands for corruption, collusion and nepotism.

From her statement, I gathered she meant the selection process in North Jakarta wouldn't require participants to pay bribes or to have special connections with the judges, both of which often occur in other municipalities.

Oh dear! Now, I was even more frightened!

Things can be different, though.

The Abang and None themselves can prove they're more than just eye candy. They can at least start using their brains to answer the judges' questions. A good first impression would improve their public image.

The next step would be to make the winners' contributions count. Promoting museums to a handful of school students or joining a carnival in West Jakarta's Old Town won't do much for the city.

Instead, why don't the contest organizers publish children's books on Jakarta that could attract more than a few dozen students?

They can feature more than just museums in the books -- history, culture, folklore and everything under the sun, together with a fun writing style and attention-grabbing illustrations.

Moreover, books last longer than one-day museum visits.

That's just one example.

I'm sure Abang-None can be more than mere accessories.

Governor Fauzi Bowo once said Abang and None Jakarta were mere symbols, just like ondel-ondel.

"The goal of this pageant is actually to preserve Betawi culture, but I agree, it's all for show," he said.

Well, I suppose I cannot agree more. It has always been a good (comedy) show. Cheers and laughs!

--Dian Kuswandini

We invite readers to contribute to this section about things happening in Greater Jakarta. Personal experiences, rants and protests are also welcome. Please send your story to city@thejakartapost.com. Submissions should be between 600 and 800 words.

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