T

he melody of a beautiful song flowing from loudspeakers in the cafe sent me into a silent reverie. The song, "The greatest love of all", was not being sung by Whitney Houston. The caf* singer was not a professional, but her voice was as just as melodious and engulfed me.

That night I was sitting alone with a cup of hot cappuccino in front of me. There were many illusions playing around my head. My mind wandered back to my childhood. I remembered someone once asking what I wanted to be one day. When I answered I wanted to be a famous singer, they burst into laughter, "Are you kidding? Don't you want to be a doctor or engineer?" I replied, "I'd sooner be a singer than anything else in the world."

Yes, I love singing so much that I have no trouble learning the most difficult lyrics. I won a singing contest when I was still in kindergarten, but I wasn't very happy about it. The contest only had two participants, including me.

I was in high school when I quit singing. I realized my voice was not good enough, though deep in my heart I couldn't accept it and from that moment I shunned anything to do with singing.

But now, I want to sing again. A great desire is bubbling in my heart and I am determined to succeed. Maybe I just need a lot of practice to sing, I thought. Then I found this cozy caf* where anybody can sing and make a recording for a fee.

The Whitney Houston song came to its haunting conclusion. The singer emerged from the sound booth; I was more amazed by her appearance than her voice. She was an ordinary girl with long hair and I thought she couldn't be more than 20. There was nothing special about her, except her wonderful voice. I'd heard her singing during previous visits to this caf* and people here said she was planning a serious audition. I knew she could do it. The girl then walked to the front desk and began serving customers; she was the cashier!

I swallowed my cappuccino that was getting cold. My eyes were staring at the song lists on the table. The order form was still blank, just like my mind...

"Mbak Dian, do you want to sing?" asked a guy wearing the caf*'s uniform, a black t-shirt. I answered him with a nod and wrote the songs titles on the form and handed it to him.

Fifteen minutes later.

The sound-proof room separated me from the world outside. Now I felt as if my dreams were coming true. Standing alone, with a microphone in front of me, I felt like a famous singer. The walls were just like an audience staring at me with adoring looks, waiting impatiently for me to weave my golden voice. I felt like I was flying to the moon.

"Are you ready,Mbak?" The operator's voice came through the headphones. My fantasy came to an end. The introduction of the song, Bon Jovi's "Always" was heard. I began to sing.

"This Romeo's bleeding." I heard my voice through the headphones -Ah, Shrill! I tried to make it heavier.

The melody of the refrain began to play. I stole breath to reach for the high tones.

"And I will love you ba--by..." Suddenly my voice broke. I stopped singing. I felt embarrassed, though it had happened to me a million times before. In fact, that's the reason why I quit singing. My beautiful voice had become heavy and broke frequently.

But...hadn't I practiced a lot? For the past two months no day had passed without me practicing my singing. My will was really strong now.

"Mas, could you repeat it again?" I asked the operator in the control room.

We tried again and again but always it came out wrong. My voice now became husky. I swallowed water to freshen my throat and got ready for action. I swore this time I was going to make it!

The music played again. I took a deep breath to steady myself and began to sing. ".Will love you ba---by.alwaaayyys." But this time my voice was shriller and out of control. Deafen-ing! Then I heard someone moaning in my headphones. OUW!

No. It's not Bon Jovi. The sound was coming from the operator. I felt deeply embarrassed. Oh my God, please hide my face!

I pulled the headphones off my head and threw them on the floor. Running, I came out, slamming the door behind me."Mbak Dian, wait!" cried the operator, but I didn't care anymore. I knocked down everything in my way to reach the front door.

As I left the caf*, I could hear the song of Whitney Houston behind me. "I have nothing. Nothing.!" The lyrics sliced into my heart like a razor-sharp blade of bamboo. All my efforts to practice singing *till I had such pain in my throat were useless. Bah! My teeth chattered as I tried to restrain my emotions. I am nothing! What have I got to be proud of? I just want to be a singer! Why couldn't I be one?

I was running through the darkness outside. The words were still buzzing in my mind. I have nothing! I can't sing! My eyesight became blurry. I kept running without paying attention to the cars passing by beside me. A loud sound of a horn almost deafened me. But my mind was dull. All of sudden, I stumbled over a stone, and fell head first to the ground. There was blood running from a gash in my arm. I was in a lot of pain. I cried, not only because of the pain in my arm but also the sickness in my heart. The tears streamed down my cheeks and the world became dark.

"But now, I want to sing again. A great desire is bubbling in my heart and I am determined to succeed."

Faintly I heard a worried voice. "Are you all right, Mbak Dian?" I knew the melodious voice. Then I felt two hands stretching out for me. I held them and looked up. It was the girl, the owner of the golden voice. Ah, even when she talked, her voice was beautiful. Once again I felt jealous, even through my sickness.

I followed her in silence as she took me to the doctor. Even after the doctor had bandaged my arm and given me an anti-tetanus injection, I was still wrapped in my silence.

"Mbak, do you mind if I go home now? I've got to see Ben and give him his medicine," the girl said as we left the doctor's room.

"Ben? Is he your lover?" I asked.

"He's more than a lover to me. He is my son."

I was really shocked. This young girl has a kid?

"Ben is two years old and sick. I need a lot of money to take care of him... That's why I really hope my recording will succeed."

I felt ashamed. It had never crossed my mind that a young girl like her had a heavy load on her shoulders.

"I can just sing..." She hissed slowly, shocking me.

"Just? Isn't it a wonderful thing?" I asked.

"Yes, it's a gift. But if only I could go to college, maybe now I'd be working in an office and could save money."

I caught the dull look in her eyes. There was something tugging at my heart...

"I want to be like you...Working in an office and get monthly salary for Ben's medical treatment..."

I felt my heart break into pieces. I was reminded of my job now as an accountant in a company and of my degree from university. And...ah... suddenly I realized that I still had - everything that this girl with the beautiful voice ever wanted.

Tears began running down my cheeks. I looked at the girl with a pitying gaze, then hugged her and said, "I pray you'll succeed. You have such a beautiful voice and heart."