F

orgiveness can sound like the spiritual version of a Nike ad: everyone tells you to “just do it”, without showing you how to. As the spirit of Idul Fitri is still on the air and the COVID-19 pandemic forces us to examine the things that really matter in life, can forgiveness be more than just words, especially when we have been hurt by those we love the most?

Aryo, 28, and Sari, 32, had their hopes for dream marriages abruptly shattered before their eyes. Aryo’s wife filed for divorce three months after they got married in early 2019, while Sari’s fiancé and his family cancelled the wedding just a month shy of the ceremony.

Neither of them sensed anything was wrong prior to the abrupt terminations. Apparently their partners cheated on them.

Aryo said his former in-laws accused him of spreading rumors about his wife’s adultery – something he said was not true – while ungraciously dragging his parents into the problem.

“I have lost Rp 75 million (US$5,065) to finance the wedding ceremony,” he said, adding he resented his ex-wife for showing no remorse for all the pain she had caused him. Sari, meanwhile, said she had hot flashes of anger whenever she thought of her former fiancé’s unfaithfulness.

Sari added that she had sacrificed her plan to get temporary residency in Australia to return to Indonesia to marry her runaway fiancé. “I was also tormented by self-doubt: maybe I am just not beautiful enough, or my personality is not pleasant enough?”

Rosie (not her real name), 34, mentioned that she was healing from the pain of being abandoned by her gang of female friends in college.

“People who are closest to us, who are supposed to love us, usually cut the deepest wounds once they don’t meet our expectations of how they should love us,” clinical psychologist Rahajeng Ika explained.

Understandably, our rational thinking collapses in the face of great pain. What should we do when the pain of resentment, shame and regret come back to haunt us?

“You have to focus on how lucky you are that you’ve survived these painful experiences; human beings are resilient. Don’t let the anger and resentment turn you into a worse person, that means that those who’ve hurt you have won; don’t let that happen!” Atma Jaya School of Psychology lecturer Nani Nurrachman reminded.

Rahajeng echoed Nani’s message of focusing on the present moment: “find meaning and purpose to your life”.

This rang true for Rosie, who said to buffer the pain of being abandoned by her friends, as a communications student she focused on studying so she could fulfill her dream of being a television presenter.

To save himself from drowning in self-hatred and his hatred toward his ex-wife, Aryo focused on completing his PhD dissertation to advance his academic career and make his parents proud.

Once you have grounded yourself firmly in the activities that give you meaning and purpose in the present moment, then you can move forward to reflect on the lessons you have learned from the people who have trespassed against you, according to Nani.

Rahajeng put it this way: when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

“Let’s say as a kid, you’re told that you’re stupid or that you’re just a bookworm with shameful social graces. If you’ve never been tormented that way by your former schoolmates, or even family member in some cases, would you ever be compelled to learn to become a stronger and tougher person?” Rahajeng said.

Aryo said the “silver lining” of his experience was it had brought him closer to his family members, who supported him through and through despite the shame he felt he had caused them.

“Previously, I took my family members for granted; I spent more time with my friends, or women with whom I was falling in love,” he said.

Sari, meanwhile, said being jilted by her fiancé allowed her to practice better self-care and cultivate an internal sense of worth instead of seeking external validation, especially from men, all the time.

Nani said owing to the healing process, we could start to slowly detach ourselves emotionally from traumatic experiences, while still committing ourselves to the duty of remembering these events to retain the lessons learned.

“Thus, you still remember the events sans the heavy emotional charge,” Rahajeng said. This is what people actually mean when they say clichés like “forgiven, not forgotten”. You can still forgive even if the ones who have hurt you never show any remorse or ask for your forgiveness.

To forgive egregious cases of abuse, especially at the hands of family members, Nani advised people seek help from professional psychologists.

Also, forgiveness is not condoning what the other people do; you can still draw firm boundaries on people who have done hurtful things to you or repeat their offenses after they apologize, Nani said. Like Aryo, Sari and Rosie, you can still walk away from those who hurt you. But you are walking away in peace, not with barbed wire around your heart. It is a gift you give yourself.

A 2017 meta-analysis by the American Psychological Association asserts forgiveness can improve mental and physical health, reducing risks for cardiovascular disease. So, just as these Nike ads tell you: just do it!