At the end of the day, all musicians are bound to ask themselves: Is the passion worth the pain?

It has only been a year since the 28-year-old Adi Perkasa made his debut in the Indonesian music industry, but the struggle has been nothing short of flagrant.

The Jakarta-based newcomer, who also maintains his day job as a private-sector employee, released his pop-oriented extended play (EP) titled KULASENTANA back in February 2022 – a record whose production not only tested his creativity and grit, but also his stress level. On top of that, Adi suffers from bipolar affective disorder, a mental illness for which he has sought therapy at least once a month since 2013. 

Unfortunately, to his surprise, making music was not as therapeutic as he imagined.

"To be brutally honest, yes, it has been a lot of stress," Adi told the Post on April 6. "Turns out, making music is more than just writing and singing. There's so much more than that! Especially as an indie musician. You cannot do things half-baked because there are external and internal factors that stand in your way."

Adi is not alone in his continuous war against personal demons. The younger, up-and-coming musicians in the modern era grow more vocal in acknowledging their mental woes as they shed light on the grislier side of their vocation.

Bad days and panic attacks

In Adi Perkasa's case, he was keen on not letting his bipolar diagnosis get in the way of his passion for music. In working on his debut EP, for instance, he decided to draw inspiration from his struggles with the disorder. Funnily enough, a certain national icon indirectly gave him a nudge as well.

"My psychiatrist asked me whether I was familiar with [former president of Indonesia] BJ Habibie," Adi recalled. "He was this close to having a breakdown because of the loss of his wife. What he did, instead, was write. So, is there something doable [for me] to channel [my] sorrow?"

It was tough enough for Adi to hone his musicianship, but concerns over a lack of network in the music industry further exacerbated his internal malady. Therapy has prepared him to prevent any potential panic attacks, but there have been a few unexpected curve balls. One case in point: when an unnamed producer decided to mock him on social media.

"Life sucks. There are bad days sometimes. Still, certain things are harder to cope with [especially] for people with a mental disability like me," Adi remarked.

Bad days and panic attacks are nothing strange for pop artist and AMI Award-nominee Rayhan Noor, who has been making music professionally since high school. He knew being a musician was his "life's calling" when he realized this particular passion "would never fade away," he told the Post on April 8.

Having said that, he acknowledged that when he started out, he had no idea that being a musician would be a mentally grueling vocation. He later discovered that the further he went as a musician, the more vulnerable his mental well-being was to stress and tension.

"I found myself thinking a lot, 'How can I stick around for the long run?' Less than 10 percent of musicians all around the globe, I think, are a story of success," the 29-year-old musician divulged. "As for me, like, 'What should I do, then?'"

Whipped, scraped and drained

It was back in September 2017 when Rayhan realized there was something off with his psychological state – precisely when his then-rock band Glaskaca was about to release its debut album. Distressed over how to make Glaskaca a success, he overworked himself to the point that he found his lifestyle deteriorating, from fluctuations in appetite to bouts of insomnia and mood swings. 

And then, after one particular gig, Rayhan was struck by a nervous meltdown.

"I was out of control," Rayhan recalled. "I lost my temper with people. Then, in just a second, I was sobbing ferociously. I was running on empty."

The older generations might scoff at the mental struggles that younger musicians like Rayhan face. Nonetheless, the latter believed that his generation is facing tougher challenges and, particularly, competition.

"There's no way, in this current generation, we can put on a tunnel vision for our career because information, even when we're not looking for it, will come at you. For example, information about other musicians' careers and your compatriot's stream plays and achievements," he explained.

Singer, songwriter and producer Will Mara experienced first-hand how success can also be a trigger for mental decay. After cowriting and producing GANGGA's smash hit "Blue Jeans", which has accumulated more than 183 million plays on Spotify, Will often struggled with the pressure, including impostor syndrome, to replicate his success – either for himself or for other acts.

"We are wired not to feel satisfied," the 26-year-old artist told the Post on April 8. "It's like, 'Okay, we are number one. The only way now is to stay there or go down.'"

Will also realized that rock bottom did not occur in an instant, but as a result of amounting pressures and unease over time.

"It's like a never-ending marathon. Bit by bit, you find yourself whipped and scraped and drained," Will described.

How not to feel 'unworthy'

Will's stress level reached a breaking point when he was working on his debut album, which remains unreleased to this day. His mental fatigue resulted in him being unable to establish a "social connection" with those in his surroundings, and made him feel "unworthy" as a person.

Moreover, he discovered how, when it came down to it, making music is a "lonely" job.

"There are people who want to support you, but it feels like you're in a void. And their voices are out of reach," said Will.

At 19 years old, Raissa Anggiani had understood from the get-go how younger musicians were more at risk of mental struggles and self-destructive behavior. She was grateful for her support system, including her family, friends and boyfriend, to help keep her head above water.

"Dad would typically be, like, 'There's nothing too burdensome in this world'. That life should be taken more lightly," she told the Post on April 9.

Just like Will Mara, Raissa was close to falling victim to her own success, having struggled with self-doubt in the early days of her career. She also agreed that being a musician comes with loneliness because of the grueling work schedule that often results in limited time for friendships. At one point, she felt longing for a more settled adolescence.

"But I stopped feeling left out around last year. I felt left out so many times, I figured it was enough!" she quipped, laughing.

To cope with stresses and tensions, she learned how to establish emotional boundaries within herself.

"I try my best to live in a moment and enjoy what I have now at my age right now," she enthused.

Finally, Raissa concluded by sharing her mantra to protect inner peace: "All the anger and sadness will come for you only if we allow them to."

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