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Parents need education on sexuality to prevent LGBT violence
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Coming out – Andy Setyawan holds a bowl of ramen with broth, one of the dishes available at his Japanese restaurant. The alumnus of Yogyakarta’s Gadjah Mada University has the support of his family in being an openly gay man, enabling him to become a successful restaurateur. (thejakartapost.com/Bambang Muryanto)
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ripeni, a 55-year-old housewife, could not hold back her tears as she recalled her struggle to turn her first child, Andy Setyawan, 32, into a “normal” man.
Among her efforts, Tripeni said, she organized long-distance prayer therapy for Andy, hoping that her son, who was a first semester student at Gadjah Mada University’s (UGM) School of Law at the time, would recover from his same-sex behavior.
Tripeni shared her story when I visited her family at the end of March. Her youngest daughter, 27-year-old Inay (not her real name), accompanied her during the interview. She calmly rubbed her mother’s shoulder and handed over tissues each time a tear rolled down her cheek. Several cats sat nearby, as if they wanted to help relieve Tripeni’s sorrow.
“Andy once had a high fever for around two months. Every time he felt pain, I also felt pain,” said Tripeni, wiping away her tears. She said the illness had been a turning point and she eventually decided to wholeheartedly accept her son, no matter what. She wanted her son to be healthy and happy with his sexual orientation.
Tripeni said she had been aware that her son was gay since he was a teenager. Tripeni said she was at first surprised to find that Andy collected photos of handsome men. She did not reprimand him for doing so. Instead, she let her son lead his life and patiently waited for him to talk openly about his gay identity.
“Finally, he disclosed it by introducing his lover, a man. I was not surprised,” said Tripeni.
Andy, who overheard our conversation, smiled. He expressed gratitude to his mom for her support. He said, however, that he did not know whether his dad, who passed away when Andy was a teenager, had known that he was gay.
Tripeni’s family is different to many other Indonesian families, which are sometimes known to be physically, psychologically and economically abusive to family members who are lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT).
Research commissioned by Arus Pelangi, an advocacy group for LGBT people, carried out in Jakarta, Yogyakarta and Makassar in 2013, showed that family members were the main perpetrators of physical, psychological and economic violence against LGBT people. Such violence leads some LGBT people to suffer depression, with a proportion experiencing suicidal thoughts.
“I could not hurt my own son,” said Tripeni, who is also a skillful cook. Aware of her guilt, Tripeni started to learn about sexual orientations from Andy’s friends, who often visited their home. Her open and friendly personality made it easy for Tripeni to associate with her son’s friends.
She also read a lot, helping her to understand that homosexuality was not a disorder. Her belief was supported by her extended family members, who she said were open, pluralist and did not tend to force their beliefs on other people. Tripeni said she had an uncle with feminine tendencies but it was not a problem for other members of her family.
“I just want to give him the message that he must be responsible about his life choices. Don’t blame me as his parent [for anything that happens in the future],” said Tripeni.
Andy’s siblings do not have a problem with their older brother’s sexual orientation. Andy’s relationship with them is quite close, especially with his youngest sister Inay. Andy smiled when Inay said she knew he was gay after she found photos of men and pornographic movies on his laptop.
“He is no different to a heterosexual. He is smart and prays five times a day,” said Inay.
Inay said she was never disappointed with Andy. She added that she was ready to defend her brother from anyone who insulted him. Because of her insistence, Inay was once threatened by members of a hard-line religious organization.
One of Andy’s ex-boyfriends currently lives at Tripeni’s house. Tripeni said she considered Andy’s first boyfriend to be like her own child. Although the pair has broken up, they are still partnering to manage a Japanese restaurant where Andy works as a chef.
“I inherited my mom’s cooking skills,” said Andy.
Not only a culinary businessman, Andy is also known as an activist for the LGBT rights movement. He was among hundreds of prodemocracy activists involved in a clash against police personnel who prevented the group from staging a peaceful rally around the Tugu monument in Yogyakarta in March.
“I unexpectedly fell when we [the protesters] and the police officers pushed against each other,” said Andy.
Andy said the support from his family had given him a sense of relief. With his family, he can share stories about his boyfriend or discuss the LGBT rights movement.
“I’m relieved now. Coming out to our families is the biggest task for us, LGBT people,” said Andy.
He said violence or discrimination perpetrated by families against LGBT people would cause stress and loneliness, as well as damaging family relationships.
“If our families force us to build a relationship with a hetero partner, it would be psychological violence against our partner,” said Andy.
Is it some people’s destiny to be born LGBT? I tried to get the answer from Ignatius Praptoraharjo, a public health and sexuality expert from UGM’s School of Medicine. Praptoraharjo said experts had yet to find the answer about why people identified as LGBT.
“The conclusion is that heterosexual and homosexual people play roles just like the right hand and left hand. Their functions are the same but the social meaning surrounding the role they play is different, just like our perceptions of the right hand and the left hand,” he said.
In Javanese culture, for instance, using the left hand for eating is considered impolite, and most activities are carried out with the right hand, he added.
Praptoraharjo, also a researcher from the HIV/AIDS Study Center at the University of Atma Jaya in Jakarta, further said that families needed time to be able to wholeheartedly accept LGBT relatives. Unfortunately, he said, only a few institutions provided a place for parents to learn about the complexity of sexuality.
“In Indonesia, sex education is only considered important for teenagers, while for parents or adults, it tends to be neglected,” said Praptoraharjo.
He hoped that institutions providing sex education for teenagers would also start to offer services for adults. If adults were willing to learn about sexuality, they could have a better understanding of different sexual orientations as parents. Such understanding would stop them from being violent or discriminatory or taking measures to “cure” their family members, he added.
On a bright morning, I visited Andy at his restaurant. Japanese food lovers had begun to fill the seats. It seemed that his family support had made Andy comfortable, enabling him to become a successful restaurateur. All his family members have been involved in promoting his culinary business.
I asked Andy about the meaning of tattoos on his arms. On his right wrist is a tattoo reading “Nullius In Verba”, meaning “take nobody’s word for it”.
Andy wants to encourage people to educate themselves about various matters, including LGBT issues. He does not want them to simply believe what other people say. “We have to read to learn things,” he said, smiling. (ebf)
