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Jakarta Post

Are you in love with a narcissist?

Although the degree of narcissism varied, a narcissist might embarrass their partners in public or private, humiliate them, manipulate them, make them feel guilty for their success, or make them feel small and blame them for everything.

Sebastian Partogi (The Jakarta Post)
Jakarta
Fri, November 20, 2020

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Are you in love with a narcissist?

From the outside, Tina’s (not her real name) life looks perfect.

At 45, she is in her prime, enjoying her career as a reputable creative content director at a prominent Jakarta agency. Her clients from various industries and institutions are always raving about the “genius” offline and online marketing campaigns she has helped design, all guaranteed to become a success.

Yet, beneath this facade, she has recently survived a painful and abusive relationship with a narcissistic boyfriend, now ex.

“Despite my professional achievements, I secretly felt empty inside all the time, because my parents never praised me for my attainments. Instead, they always put me down and I’m never enough for them. My father even told me that what I had achieved was nothing [compared to him], as he had already become the director of a multinational company by the time he was 40,” Tina told The Jakarta Post recently.

Tina said that her parents had always been condescending and demeaning toward her since she was a child. Even with all the achievements she had made as an adult, her parents still looked down on her. This left her feeling empty and insecure, leading her to seek love and external approval from others in desperation.

In 2017, Tina experienced a major crisis. The hard work she had put in at the beginning of her career brought her more work from more clients, and she had to work even harder. She was frequently ill and started to feel lonely when she realized that she had no personal life at all, only a professional one.

It was around this time that she attended a creative conference and met “Andy”, a fellow content writer.

“He was extremely charming and self-confident. I was attracted to him because I thought that he had all the qualities I didn’t have in myself. With his witty humor, he had a magnetism that could seduce a crowd of people,” recalled Tina. “With my low self-esteem, I was so thrilled when he showered me with all the attention and love I never had from my parents,” she said.

Tina fell head over heels with Andy, who also happened to be handsome and physically attractive. Unfortunately, Tina’s new beau also had a personality disorder. But Tina did not discover this until she had already been hurt.

“After giving me gifts, praising me in terms of my warm personality, etc., etc., he started criticizing me for the ‘lame campaigns’ I was doing, and my ‘sloppy’ clothes. I also became aware that he never really listened deeply to what I was saying or had any real interest in my life. All he did was talk about himself all the time,” she lamented.

It turned out that Tina had fallen in love with a narcissist.

Candice Christiansen, founder and clinical director of the Namasté Center for Healing in Utah, the United States, told the Post by email that narcissists could be charming, engaging, charismatic, seductive and exciting. On the flip side, however, they often had:

·       an inflated sense of importance;

·       a deep need for excessive attention and admiration;

·       a lack of empathy for others;

·       interpersonally exploitive behavior; and

·       arrogant behavior.

Narcissists can also:

·       exaggerate their achievements and talents;

·       be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate;

·       believe they are superior and can only associate with people they perceive to be equally “special”;

·       monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior;

·       expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations; and

·       take advantage of others to get what they want.

Christiansen said that although the degree of narcissism varied, a narcissist might embarrass their partners in public or private, humiliate them, manipulate them, make them feel guilty for their success, or make them feel small and blame them for everything.

“At times, they may resort to verbal and mental abuse and even physical or sexual abuse,” she wrote.

Tina was victim to this form of abuse when her boyfriend forced her to have sex with him, even though she was exhausted after a day’s work. Her boyfriend also abused her verbally, fat-shaming her and telling her that no other man would ever want her whenever she refused to have sex with him.

If you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, it is important to remember that it is not your fault, and to avoid blaming yourself for what you have experienced or are experiencing.

“Narcissists often have an impaired or undeveloped sense of self. Despite seeming to be very strong, narcissists are actually quite vulnerable and surprisingly fragile. Because of this, they often need to feel powerful in order to feel safe in the world, and especially in their relationships. This helps alleviate the chronic shame they feel inside,” Christiansen said.

She advised survivors of narcissistic abuse to lean into social support as well as seek professional help when necessary. This would help them to not only heal from the pain but also learn how to set boundaries and recognize red flags early in the relationship, so they could attract healthy partners in the future.

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