G

etting people to behave themselves is a tricky issue for Indonesia, infamously one of the most corrupt countries on Earth, where taking bribes and kickbacks and stealing public funds are just "part of the culture", as some would have us believe.

Here's a fun game to play these holidays: make a list of all the scandals, gaffes and mishaps from the past few years alone (do the whole decade, if you're feeling keen). To get you started, here are some of the most memorable that will keep us laughing - or weeping - for some time to come.

Look who's talking

Golkar Party legislator Bambang Susatyo launched the highly anticipated legislative inquiry into the Rp 6.76 trillion Bank Century scandal in December with an impressive blunder - he misidentified the man recorded in conversation with Finance Minister Sri Mulyani Indrawati at the height of the bailout lobbying last year as bank owner Robert Tantular. In fact it was presidential adviser Marsilam Simanjuntak.

As a legislator, he can't be sued for his error, but he did manage to badly damage the whole inquiry team's integrity, with critics claiming Golkar is using the inquiry as a forum for Golkar chief Aburizal Bakrie to teach Sri Mulyani a lesson over their own personal feud.

Oops, we seem to have lost the tobacco provision

In October, many people were stunned to learn that a clause on the dangers of tobacco was missing from the final health bill the President was about to sign into law.

Speculation abounded: had corrupt lawmakers colluded with cigarette makers, who had lobbied for the clause to be dropped out of fear of damaging their lucrative trade?

House leadership assured us it was a "technical error" in the printing of the final version of the bill.

Cacao blues

The Purwokerto district court in Central Java raised ire last month by sentencing a 55-year-old woman, Minah, to 45 days' probation for stealing three cacao pods - worth a grand total of Rp 2,000 - from a private company's plantation.

This came at the same time everyone was talking about the Supreme Court acquitting four Semarang lawmakers and bureaucrats tried for allegedly stealing Rp 2.16 billion in public funds.

Even luckier was Mardijo, Central Java provincial legislative chief from 2004-2009. He got away with two years' probation for embezzling Rp 14.8 billion in taxpayers' money. Surely with that much in his pocket, he can resist the temptation to steal again for two whole years.

Crocodile chokes after trying to swallow gecko

The "Crocodile versus Gecko" catchphrase was coined by National Police chief detective Susno Duadji in his colorful comparison of the relative powers of the police (crocodile) and the Corruption Eradication Commission (KPK; gecko). Susno was very put out to learn the KPK had dared eavesdrop on a conversation he had with the lawyer of a wealthy Bank Century depositor, allegedly arranging a "10" billion rupiah slice or percentage of the depositor's legally disputed US$18 million deposit, which Susno helped withdraw.

The phrase took on a life of its own, developing into a household battle cry for the war between the "heroic KPK" - enjoying popular support - and the "corrupt Police" - which nevertheless relies on the Attorney General Office's backing.

Repenting of corruption, they offer themselves up

In 2007, Hamsyah MD, an East Kalimantan councilor, came to Jakarta to visit to the KPK. His mission? To confess to accepting a Rp 74.9 million share of the Rp 2 billion embezzled from his local government by his fellow councilors.

"I am ready to testify and be arrested any time," the guilt-ridden councilor told his baffled hosts, who asked for time to collect more evidence.

Similarly, in 2008, lawmaker Agus Tjondro from the Indonesian Democratic Party of Struggle (PDI-P), voluntarily confessed to having received Rp 500 million in travel checks as a gratuity from Miranda Goeltom for her 2004 election as senior deputy Bank Indonesia governor.

Agus swore to KPK investigators that his colleagues in House Commission IX had also accepted Miranda's funds and demanded the KPK investigate the incident. Apparently such confessions have little evidential value: The KPK says it is yet to collect more evidence.

And the moral of the story is .

If you have the chance to plunder public funds, then be sure to do it en masse and in large amounts, and please, share it around.