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My daughter and I are not BFFs – and don't want to be
My daughter, G, and I do things together regularly: watching movies, shopping, DIYing or just talking. G shares almost everything with me. However, we agree that we are not friends.
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I believe the basis of friendship is equality. Equality in a child-parent relationship doesn't work. (Shutterstock/-)
My 14-year-old daughter and I are close, but we do not see our bond as a friendship.
My daughter, G, and I do things together regularly: watching movies, shopping, DIYing or just talking. G shares almost everything with me. However, we agree that we are not friends.
I was the one who brought this up three years ago when she entered junior high school. I explained that I was her mother, not her friend.
I believe the basis of friendship is equality. Equality in a child-parent relationship doesn't work.
Why is that? If a mother sees her daughter as a friend, it will be difficult because being a mother means that you sometimes have to be strict and harsh.
Boundaries are part of raising kids, especially when a daughter is at a tender age. Boundaries are tools to develop values and norms.
It can be quite confusing for a daughter who sees her mother as her friend when some particular situations occur.
For example, if a mother had a quarrel with her child's father, she might share it with her daughter. This could cause loyalty problems for the daughter. She could think she needed to take part in the problem.
Friends tell one another (almost) everything, right? Imagine if a mother told her daughter everything: problems at work, gossip, conflicts with friends, financial problems, sexual experiences and the list goes on.
Nowadays, there are young mothers who proudly declare they are best friends with their daughters. It is up to them. I just want to be a cool mum, like my own mother.
I am aware that I shouldn't be too cool, or my daughter will be ashamed of me. G was stunned to hear that her classmates thought I was her sister when I picked her up from school last year. She then asked me to dress more like the other mothers at school. That day I wore a wraparound dress and high heels, my daily office attire.
Being a cool mum doesn't necessarily mean you need to be friends with your daughter. Whenever my daughter has friends visiting at home, I chat with them for a while. Then I leave the room. As G once told me: "When a parent is around, we are not comfortable talking about the things we love. Please, don't misunderstand, I appreciate it that I can always come to you with my problems, concerns and stories. Still, when you are in the room, the conversation is different."
OK, I got the message.
Being a mother of a teen is like playing with a kite. The string is very delicate; one needs to know the right time to push or pull.
Looking back at my relationship with my late mother, I know she respected me as an adult, yet she was still my mother. I went to her for advice. She had never been my best friend but she knew me well. I could count on her.
That is what I strive for with G – trying to be a cool mum who understands her world by doing and exploring things together.
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Lorraine Riva is a multilingual working mom in marketing communication field, self-taught photographer, foodie, art lover, Francophil and history nerd, living with husband and a teen daughter in a tiny place called Huissen in The Netherlands nearby German border.
