S

ince 1999, the United Nations General Assembly has designated Nov. 25 as the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women through resolution 54/134.

The date is based on the assassination of the three Mirabal sisters ' political activists in the Dominican Republic ' who were killed in 1960 on the order of Dominican dictator Rafael Trujillo.

In many parts of the world, the commemoration spans 16 days of campaigning for the elimination of violence against women, preceding International Human Rights' day, which is every Dec. 10.

Dating violence is just one form of violence against women. According to the Office on Violence against Women of the US Department of Justice, it is 'controlling, abusive, and aggressive behavior in a romantic relationship.

'It occurs in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships and can include verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, or a combination of these.'

Data from the National Commission on Violence against Women (Komnas Perempuan), in 2013 showed there were 1,085 cases of dating violence out of 8,315 cases of violence in which the victims and the perpetrators were in a personal relationship.

While in recent years, domestic violence has been receiving growing attention, the term 'dating violence' or 'kekerasan dalam pacaran' is hardly known.

In an article titled 'Women's protection' (Kompas, Oct. 24, 2012), the researcher Lies Marcoes cited a rape case between an unmarried couple, which is mostly regarded as a consensual act.

This ignores the fact that rape only occurs in an unequal relationship, regardless of the type of the relationship between the victim and the perpetrator.  

The writer noted that among teenagers the problem may be more complicated, as mostly female victims often face confused threats to engage in sexual intercourse in the name of love.

The threats are often disguised under the notion of 'either you do it or I will leave you', or 'to prove that you love me' or 'to prove how far you are willing to sacrifice for me'.

I agree with the writer who said that such a problem also relates to how girls and boys are raised. Girls are raised and are expected to be loyal, cute, stoic, patient and loving, while boys are expected to be aggressive, manly, risk-taking and powerful.

Thus, it is possible that a rape occurs within the social upbringing and expectations of being a man and a woman.

I know of some cases of dating violence in which the female victims were sexually, physically and psychologically abused by their partners.

I regret that I met some of the victims only after years of being in such terrible situations.

They already had babies and their partners refused to take responsibility for them. With a lack of support they struggled and bore the burden on their own.

I notice the pattern of dating violence is substantially similar to that of domestic violence. It is about the perpetrator doing abusive acts followed with (false) regret and apologizing to the victim.

With the latter, it is about being a target of abusive behavior followed by recovering and forgiving the perpetrator with a hope that in the future things will get better. In the end it is a cycle of violence within an intimate relationship.

The difference between dating and domestic violence lies in the legal status of those involved, namely an unmarried couple in the case of dating violence and a husband and a wife in the case of domestic violence ' though such violence occurs not only between a husband and wife.

Our law on domestic violence should protect the victims and punish the perpetrators. However, this is not the case with dating violence, to which such a law cannot be applied. The latter can only rely on insufficient, general legal instruments on violence.  

In my university student days, I noticed more 'subtle' violence among unmarried student couples ' leading some female students intentionally slow down their studies.

It was when I was busy with my final assignment that a friend said she actually wished to do the same but she could not, as she had to 'tolerate' her partner. The latter was also a student of the same batch, who for various reasons was left behind academically.

My friend was a smart student and I sensed this was part of her efforts to maintain the relationship with her partner.

I thought it was not wise to maintain the relationship the way she did, to make herself inferior to her partner.

The case mirrors the strong patriarchal culture that dictates a woman should not be smarter/richer/stronger than a man ' leading to such decisions among married or unmarried couples.

While categorizing such cases as violence is debatable, it affects a woman psychologically as it makes her unable to fulfill her potential, given fear of success.

The International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women serves as a reminder for us to pay more attention to violence against women.

The global campaign also reminds us to teach our daughters to understand and to stand up for their rights, and our sons to respect women.

The writer is a lecturer at Parahyangan Catholic University's School of Social and Political Sciences in Bandung.