“The day she passed away, I didn’t feel a sense of loss,” Achmad Sofyan revealed. “I signed all the papers and sorted out the funeral, as if burying a stranger. But on the way home from the hospital, I realized I came back alone. Then I broke down.”

The young teacher stopped to gather his thoughts. Even today, he said, the void still lingered. Ten years ago, Sofyan’s wife passed away after a short, sudden illness. Their marriage had been short and beautiful, “like a soap opera story.” But when it all unfolded, he was left with an 11-month-old daughter and a world falling apart at the seams.

Sofyan is far from alone, but it didn’t feel like it at the time. A 2015 study by Statistics Indonesia (BPS) found that only 4 percent of male heads of households in Indonesia were single fathers. In a largely patriarchal society where men are almost universally revered as leaders of the family, this places them in an awkward position. 

As domestic duties and the task of nurturing and loving a child fall completely into their hands, these single fathers are forced to rethink their identities both as parents and as men.

A rude awakening

Faith and a strong, loving marriage helped Dr. Paulus Supriono when his wife passed away after a short battle with ovarian cancer in 2015. “I think my children saw that we stood by each other until the end,” he said. “My hope is that they took away something from that.”

Now a practicing radiology specialist and a member of the presidential medical team, his hectic schedule means he has has to spend long spells apart from his children. Both his sons are grown now, journeying through the maiden years of college, and they keep in touch regularly. But it wasn’t always such smooth sailing.

“When my wife passed away, it felt like we were crippled,” Supriono said. “I can’t articulate what it felt like. We went through everything together, and now she’s gone. We’re struggling to move on, but no matter what, we know some things will never return to the way they were.”

While Supriono had to deal with the turmoil of two grieving teenage sons, Sofyan had to nurture a helpless baby. “I carried my baby in the classroom while I was teaching,” Sofyan recalled. “Sometimes when she cried or needed to drink milk, I would pause the class and step out of the room. Luckily the headmaster was very understanding of my situation.”

He credits his mother and mother-in-law for supporting him through the darkest days, caring for the baby when his schedule truly did not allow it. Everything else he did, he said, was “pure instinct”. But one day, a late-night visit from a healthcare worker almost brought his world crashing down once again.

“My daughter was 2 years old then,” he recalled. “One night, someone from the Puskesmas [community health center] came over and said she was underweight. According to their criteria, a child her age should have a certain weight and height to qualify as a healthy child. They told me, point blank, that my child had malnutrition.”

This sent him into overdrive. Anxious to care for his baby, he took her to multiple hospitals and pediatricians. All came to the same conclusion: she was fine, she was just a bit skinny. They plied her with concoctions designed to perk up her appetite, but none worked for a sustained period. His child remained healthy according to the doctors, and malnourished according to the Puskesmas.

Out of sheer desperation, he called a nutrition hotline run by a popular milk formula brand. They suggested her slender frame was a result of genetics. “I asked my mother-in-law if my wife was just as skinny when she was a baby, and she said my wife was even smaller,” Sofyan revealed. “I realized it was simple genetics. Ironically, I teach biology in my class. Imagine how dumb I felt!”

According to clinical psychologist Sani Hermawan, Sofyan’s travails are common among single fathers. “Many families are still run along traditional roles when it comes to raising children -- the father provides economically, while the mother deals with other things such as study and maintaining one-on-one communication,” she said.

This means that even though they are both slated to struggle, single fathers and mothers could face vastly different challenges. “Most newly single mothers are concerned about being financially independent,” Sani said. “Conversely, newly single fathers usually struggle with taking care of the child on a day-to-day basis and maintaining that emotional connection.”

However, when the father has always been involved in the child’s inner life, the transition becomes easier. 

Despite his military background, Supriono insists on creating a “democratic culture” in his family. “We’re allowed to criticize each other and express our disagreements and feelings. We never ask them to do something without providing the reasoning,” he said. “This means they feel comfortable expressing themselves to their parents. If they’re in trouble, they will come home.”

His friends sometimes deride his “Western-style” parenting, but he credits it with keeping his family together after his wife’s passing. “There’s an openness to our communication and a sense of belonging to the family,” Supriono said. “It means we’re able to go through tough moments together.”

Their resolve was tested a few years ago, when his youngest son applied to join the Air Force and was rejected. He had failed his physical. “He broke down in tears and admitted he missed his mother,” Supriono recalled. “His brother and I encouraged him. He needs to understand that life’s not always easy, but we’re in it together.” 

They agreed on a solution: to improve his chances next year, Supriono’s youngest needed a personal trainer. They found one and it worked a treat. Next time round, his youngest passed the test with flying colors. “He seems to be enjoying life in the Air Force now,” Supriono grinned. “We’re proud of him.”

Family comes first

Creating a tight-knit family with whatever is left is one thing. Moving on is another thing entirely. Supriono says his friends often insist on setting him up on dates, much to his chagrin, but admits he is not thinking about remarrying anytime soon. “I try to think of it as their way of caring for me,” he said. “It’s positive attention.”

Not all spotlights burn bright, though. “A colleague once warned me that I’ll never be promoted to head of a military hospital if I’m still a single father,” Supriono said. “I brushed it aside. For me, a marriage is a lifetime commitment. I’m not saying I never want to get married again, but I don’t want to do it just to fulfill a personal desire or professional ambition. It feels wrong.”

Sofyan faced similar issues at first. “My mother kept pestering me to get married again,” he recalled. “She was afraid I would end up alone. But most women I met didn’t want to accept my daughter. They kept telling me when we get married, I should leave my daughter with my mother’s family. That’s nonsense. Accepting me means accepting my daughter.”

Eventually he found the outlier. One time, he took his daughter to a date with a woman he had been seeing. Before they departed, though, he intentionally fed his daughter an early dinner, warning her that she was about to be a part of a social experiment.

“By the time she got to the mall, she was full and really needed to go to the bathroom,” Sofyan said. “I pretended to have dirty hands and moved really slowly. Eventually, my date took charge and accompanied my daughter to the bathroom.”

On the way home, Sofyan asked his daughter what had happened. “She told me the lady had helped her to clean herself and took care of her,” he said. “I knew then I had found somebody special.” He pursued the relationship and married her seven years ago. Though they have their struggles, he says domestic bliss suits him.

However, Sofyan admits he is extremely lucky. “My neighbors are very supportive and help me out anytime I need something,” he said. “I didn’t always see this with other single parents, especially single mothers. Most single parents I met had to choose between staying sane and being able to sustain their family financially.”

Having a close support system also helps for single parents like him. “At the very least, the government should provide a community for single parents to share their experiences and vent their frustrations in a healthy way,” he said. “We can learn in a safe environment. Even if our learning experiences don’t benefit our own child, it might help other single parents.”

What kept him grounded, though, was something much more visceral. “Every night before I sleep, I look at my daughter and cry,” Sofyan said. “In the end, I think that’s what gave me the strength to keep going.”

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