J

apan is the world'€™s most polite place. Ninety percent of utterances consist of the phrase '€œthank you'€. Many residents live their whole lives without saying anything else.

The tricky thing is that '€œthank you'€ in Japanese is 12 syllables long. '€œDoumo arigatou gozaimashita.'€ I tried repeatedly to say it on my recent visit to the country, but only succeeded in getting all the way to the end once '€” by which time, the train doors had closed and the person I was thanking was several kilometers away. That'€™s because Japanese trains move at the speed of light. You'€™ve barely sat down when the train announcer is saying: '€œWe will be arriving in Tokyo in one minute. Stay on the train for a further minute if you wish to get off at the following stop, Australia.'€ Any train driver who puts his brakes down a fraction of a second late ends up screeching to a halt in Antarctica.

It'€™s vital to learn to the words for thank you, because Japanese people express gratitude for everything and expect you to do the same. Whenever you encounter someone, whether you are buying something or standing on someone'€™s foot, the person will bow and express deep gratitude. '€œThank you for crashing into my car.'€ Japanese bank robberies proceed as follows. Bank robbers: '€œThank you for the loot we are stealing.'€ Tellers: '€œNo problem. Thank you for choosing us for your stealing needs. Please come again.'€

The bad thing is that robbing banks is pretty much a must. Everything in Japan is so expensive that foreigners really cannot get by for long without considering major crime sprees. To buy a one-day rail pass, you have to remortgage your house. For a two-day rail pass, you have to additionally give up your first-born. (Some parents are delighted.)

In fact, even during periods when the Yen exchange rate falls, the whole money thing remains a serious problem. Japan has one thing in common with primitive human societies such as the jungles of Papua and the bars of Queensland. You can'€™t buy anything with credit cards. Only cash is accepted.

Since I spend a lot of time in Hong Kong, where money is not accepted in many places, it was a shocker to be in a place where the hotel manager wanted a cash payment equivalent to the Greek national debt before he agreed to release my lunch (a live octopus) to me. I asked him to point me to an ATM machine. '€œThere'€™s only one in this town,'€ he said. '€œAnd it closes at 2 pm so you'€™d better hurry.'€ I would have said thank you, but by then the ATM would definitely have closed.

The only disaster on my most recent visit to Japan was the day I took my two daughters skiing, completely forgetting that none of us could ski. We proceeded acrobatically down a mountain on heads and bottoms until we ended up at a cliff edge. A blizzard hit the mountain and all the chair-lifts stopped. There was no way up, and going down or staying still was certain death. What to do?

Luckily a man with a skimobile appeared and whisked us to safety. I tried to say thank you but he was home and in bed before I was halfway through.

The writer is a columnist and journalist.