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ood morning, and welcome to Complaints Initiated and Actioned, otherwise known as the CIA. How can we help?

Are you a shoddy T-shirt manufacturer and sales are slipping and you need to get back in the black? Maybe a fading artist eclipsed by the younger generation? Perhaps a public officer with a policy no one wants? No worries, in the end we'€™re all looking for love and she'€™s a fickle mistress. Ha, ha!

It'€™s not a good line but your accent sounds South Sulawesi '€” right? Lovely! No problem, our professionals have worked with many people from your splendid province.

Let me run you through our system. May I have your name, please? Thank you. Is it alright if I call you Jusuf?

First register on our website and choose from our range of services, local, national or international.

Once you'€™ve paid our fee work starts immediately. We'€™ll send you some offensive designs from our range of political, religious, celebrity or sporting issues.

For example, you might like our latest '€” Syahrini Mimes her Songs design showing the famous artist pouting and looking fat.

That will be followed by a Twitter and Facebook campaign against your company. Some of our most experienced people will post messages like: '€œI normally never comment on social media '€” but this attack on a lovely lady is disgusting.'€

If that doesn'€™t work, we'€™ll organize anonymous death threats. That usually grabs the media'€™s attention.

We have contact with several tabloid and TV reporters. For a reasonable honorarium they'€™ll report that hatred of your product has gone viral. Don'€™t worry, no one will check.

After a few days one of our staff will act as your spokesman, offer sincere apologies, promise to withdraw the offending apparel and make a donation to charity. Don'€™t worry, they won'€™t check that either.

By then everyone will be clamouring to buy the T-shirt so you must have plenty of under-the-counter stocks ready at inflated prices.

Within a week your product will have sold out and your company'€™s name will be known from Sabang to Merauke as an edgy trend setter. What do you think?

OK, you'€™re not into T-shirts. I thought you said image ['€¦].

Ethical? Sorry, I don'€™t know what you mean. Oh, you'€™re saying it'€™s not proper '€” though that'€™s a word we choose not to use at CIA.

Look, Jusuf, do you really think the kampongs are full of people expressing their outrage over every silly little thing in society? Of course not '€” issues have to be provoked, and that'€™s the job of the CIA.

Look at it like this: You'€™ve produced a boring film that'€™s going to lose a bundle at the box office; what better way to bring back the crowds than suggest the movie be banned because of its explicit sex scenes?

It doesn'€™t matter that there are no such scenes '€” thousands of adolescent boys will pay good money in the hope of seeing a little flesh.

For a relatively miniscule amount our most excellent friend in the censor'€™s office will say the film is being closely examined; the rush to see the film will recoup costs in a fortnight.

Journalists are busy folk and can'€™t go around the streets asking commuters what they think of Syahrini'€™s bottom or Flesh Eating Ghosts of Depok Mall. Most people would reply: '€œYou don'€™t want my views on the economy or leadership? Get lost '€” I'€™ve got a life to lead, haven'€™t you?'€

So you see CIA has stepped in to provide a service where outrage can be manufactured and help fill newspapers.

Fine '€” so, you'€™re not a film producer and you'€™d like our VIP service. Now whose flagging fortunes can we help you recover? Just say the name and we'€™ll create a plan.

Sorry, who did you say? Jok what? ['€¦] And he'€™s your partner? Mmmm. Look, just hold the line while I check with my bosses.

OK, here we are again, Jusuf. I do apologise, but we really think this task is going to be just a teeny bit hard to accomplish. Anyone else, no problem. But perhaps this fellow'€™s image has gone too far down to recover.

'€” Duncan Graham