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In the search of happiness in the family
"We love men - men are wonderful; it's just that when they become husbands we're invisible, they're so powerful"
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"We love men - men are wonderful; it's just that when they become husbands we're invisible, they're so powerful".
Thus stated Indonesia's champion of single moms, widows, and estranged wives, Nani Zulminarni. She drew laughter and applause from the audience of over 200 women from 47 countries gathering in Kuala Lumpur.
They sought to answer the question: If Islam is just then how come scores of Muslim women are unhappy and miserable - or dead - because of their marriages?
They were part of an evolving global movement: Across continents women are working together, aiming to change something affecting themselves and millions of others - Muslim family law.
A short play at the opening of the event from 13 to 18 Feb. included just one real story out of numerous "bride burning" reports from India and Pakistan: One woman said she was going to the hospital because of a "kitchen accident." At the hospital, the actor narrated, "there were so many women treated for kitchen accidents."
Among speakers at the talks were Roya Rahmani, a young lawyer from Afghanistan who was awarded a national human rights award for her role in drawing up a marriage contract - hopefully to be used one day when some peace settles in, she said.
As for now, judging from the slides she presented, the first question to ensure a happy wedding for the Afghan bride may be, "Can I show up at my own wedding?"
For like some customs in Indonesia, the bride is also beautifully made up - but does not even sign her wedding certificate, invisible in her room with female relatives.
Participants shared their conviction that yes, Islam is just. Therefore it is the mindsets of people and authorities, the policies, the law and local customs that need to be changed to reflect justice.
Part of the campaign material of Sisters in Islam to help women make decisions in real life marriages, based on the Koran and Islamic teachings. The Malaysian nongovernmental organization is among pioneers of the ‘Musawah’ global movement seeking equality and justice in Muslim familie (JP/M. Hadi-Santoso)
Many attempts revealed at the conference hosted by Sisters in Islam, a leading non governmental organization in Malaysia, reflected a drastic departure from common belief - such as that male guardians and male witnesses are mandatory in marriages in Islam.
The guardian's role is "optional", said Ghyasuddin Siddiqui, the director of The Muslim Institute in London. As the couple have come of age, "the parental or guardian's legal role finishes," he said.
Working with "the most important national Muslim organizations" in the United Kingdom, the Institute issued only last year the "Muslim Marriage Certificate" to be used in all Muslim marriages.
Witnesses are needed but they are not necessarily male: Islamic law only says "a witness should be sane, adult and reliable," Siddiqui said.
The parties involved in drawing up the certificate, he said, had also recognized numerous forced marriages involving the bride and groom's parents among Muslim families in the UK.
From Indonesia, scholar Siti Musdah Mulia said she and her colleagues have also been striving to change the practice of the guardian - "that women of at least 21 years of age do not need a 'wali'." Along with her team's more controversial proposal to ban polygamy, saying that the 'wali' is not needed is also considered sacrilege. Musdah is ever-smiling despite all the curses launched against her, expressing optimism that her team's proposed compilation of Islamic law will be accepted by the Supreme Court.
From Afghanistan to the United States, from the United Kingdom to Uzbekistan, the network and efforts of scholars, activists and community workers challenging customs and laws based on existing understanding of Islam - and encouraging each other in the face of intimidation - is named the *musawah' (equality in Arabic, organizers said), also the title of the gathering.
Without a hierarchy as in Catholicism, there are several school of thoughts in Islam. But based on one principle of their belief - that Islam is just,* and that Allah is arrahman, arrahim (most merciful and compassionate) - the scholars and activists are digging into the teachings, offering alternative explanations, policies and laws.
They don't stop at analysis: Their priority is raising the experiences of women to reveal the "disconnect" between Muslim laws and practices with reality on the ground, and coming up with solutions.
Indonesian marriage law, for instance, states that the husband is head of the family and the wife is the housewife, which feminists say is based on an interpretation of the Koran together with the legacy of patriarchy.
In reality 17 percent, or 8 million Indonesian households, according to Pekka, the organization on women-headed households, are headed by a woman who is either an estranged wife, a widow or has an incapacitated or lazy husband; and they are among the poorest of the poor.
In earning a living, the legally married woman can be sued for neglecting the children as the law states that the wife is "obliged to take care of the household." The husband can also being sued for neglecting his legal responsibilities, but as another woman in the play said, "my husband is lost in space."
So idealists in Indonesia want this law changed - but they also would like to retain clauses which protects women, most notably that Muslim men must seek permission from their first wives if they are to remarry. This is not among the strict conditions stated in the Koran for polygamy - and it was one reason why Islamic politicians stormed out during the deliberation of the 1974 marriage law.
Another "disconnect" between "Islamic teaching" and reality relates to domestic violence. Many point to verses in the Koran widely used to justify male superiority and corporal punishment against wives. But activists say this argument merely helps to encourage violence against women for whatever excuse.
Slavery is recognized in the Koran too, scholars note - it doesn't mean it's still acceptable.
A notable step towards progress in Indonesia was the passing of the 2004 law against domestic violence, which rules out any religious or cultural arguments in respect of violence against household members.
Books on the "Muslim wife" and the harmonious family based on "Islamic teachings" are widely popular here; so are TV and radio talk shows advocating the obedient, patient wife.
But the debate is loud, with a new film or TV drama becoming an instant conversation piece when it focuses on the loving, patient, abused spouse.
Women want heavenly rewards but many don't quite believe the often cited advice on how to get there: "You shall get down even from the rooftop when your husband needs you to serve him".
They know love is tough, but somehow sense that God would surely be on the side of so many desperate wives.
Their priority is raising the experiences of women to reveal the "disconnect" between Muslim laws and practices with reality on the ground.
