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What we forget when we talk about ‘gender disappointment’
In a world where many things can be scientifically explained, it is disheartening to witness the continued scapegoating of women for something entirely beyond their control
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Illustration (Magdalene/-)
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b id="docs-internal-guid-8f03118a-7fff-9ac9-bf74-328cf6cccea3" style="font-weight:normal;">In August 2023, the idea of “gender disappointment” went viral on social media platform X (previously Twitter), after a user talked about her pregnancy on a “menfess”, or mention and confess, account. She was seven months pregnant with a baby girl, but her husband and his family blamed her for not giving them a son.
The term gender disappointment has been popularized online, and occurs when a mother, or family members, are disappointed by a baby’s sex. Sex refers to biological characteristics, while gender is a social construct and can change. This article uses “gender disappointment” to refer to a baby’s sex, as this is a more commonly used term.
Often, mothers envision the future with their sons and daughters. When reality does not align with their expectations, they may experience a range of negative emotions.
The disappointment stems from unmet expectations which, according to obstetrician and gynecologist (OBGYN) Dr. Dyana Safitri Velies, Sp.OG (K), can be influenced by the community.
For example, the National Population and Family Planning Agency (BKKBN)’s logo depicts an ideal family of heterosexual parents with two children, a boy and a girl. Indonesians often believe that a complete family should consist of a boy and a girl.
Unfortunately, there are several instances, including the tweet from the Menfess account, in which husbands blame their wives for not bearing a baby with their desired sex. Taking a step back, we should ask how a baby’s sex can possibly be determined during the fertilization process.
How sex is determined
Biologically, women possess two X chromosomes while men have one X and one Y chromosome. During fertilization, women contribute an X chromosome, while men contribute either an X or Y chromosome. An XX combination results in a female, and an XY combination produces a male. Therefore, it is the male's chromosome that determines the baby's sex during fertilization.
"Indeed, what determines one’s sex is the sperm [chromosomes] that fertilize the ovum [woman’s egg],” explained Dr. Dyan.
In theory, couples can plan intimate moments around a woman’s ovulation to influence the baby's sex. According to Dr. Dyan, those hoping for a boy should engage in sexual activity closer to ovulation. This increases the chances of the ovum being in the fallopian tube at the time of fertilization. Conversely, if you are aiming for a girl, it is advisable to have intercourse before ovulation. This allows the sperm to be present in the fallopian tube, awaiting the arrival of the ovum.
“Sperm carrying the Y chromosome move quickly but have a shorter lifespan, while sperm with X chromosomes move slower, but survive longer," said Dr. Dyan. According to this theory, the father’s chromosome contribution and the timing of intercourse play a role in determining the baby's sex.
However, researchers Allen Wilcox, Clarice Weinberg and Donna Baird say otherwise. In Timing of Sexual Intercourse in Relation to Ovulation – Effects on the Probability of Conception, Survival of the Pregnancy, and Sex of the Baby (1995), the three concluded that the sex of the baby is not related to the time of sexual intercourse in relation to ovulation.
The research of Wilcox, Weinberg and Baird suggests that the father's chromosome is the sole determinant of the baby's sex. In other words, both parents have very little to no control over the baby’s sex.
Pregnancy planning
Unfortunately, some people still carry out family planning according to the sex of their children. Aurel Hermansyah, who was pregnant with her second child when interviewed by Trans TV, admitted that she once told her husband that she did not want to get pregnant again after having two sons.
Aurel mentioned, "Actually, I can't say that I prefer having a boy. I'm just saying that if I am pregnant with a boy, my children would be a pair. Then I might not want to think about another pregnancy for the next five or six years."
Dr. Dyan emphasized that parents should plan based on their financial readiness, not the sex of their children. What needs to be emphasized is that girls and boys are equal, neither sex is superior.
However, it cannot be denied that our society is deeply rooted in patriarchy, and women are often viewed as inferior. Many tribes and races still favor boys. The Batak tribe believes that sons are the bearers of the clan and successors of the family lineage. As a result, families often demand that women have sons. No wonder women experience gender disappointment more than men.
For example, in India, many mothers choose to abort female babies as daughters are often seen as financial burdens. Indian women must pay a wedding dowry to their husband’s family. If she cannot meet this financial demand, it can be an embarrassment for the family. This economic pressure is the biggest reason parents prefer boys.
In fact, research by Prabhat Jha, et al. in 2011 reported that every year, half a million female fetuses were aborted in India. Some babies were even abandoned as soon as they were born.
When an Indian mother gives birth to a boy, he is welcomed and celebrated. When he marries a woman in the future, he will bring financial benefits to the family.
Similarly, when a family has boys, the parents often want another daughter, just so that she can help the mother with domestic work. This means that the presence of women is expected to fulfill domestic expectations.
Reflecting on this reality, Dr. Dyan emphasized that pre-marital classes are needed to educate prospective brides and grooms. More information about birth control should be provided so that couples can learn to make decisions and plan their family in a responsible way. This is also noted in the bride and groom's pocketbook, published by the Ministry of Health (Kemenkes). The pre-marital classes should help couples plan their pregnancy according to their financial circumstances, not based on the children’s sex.
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The longer original version of this article was published in Indonesian at Magdalene, an online magazine that educates, empowers and pushes for a more equal society through solution-driven journalism.
